WWE: Five More People to Ban from Events

Evan Wecksell

Wrestling fans are passionate. So when dispassionate or destructively passionate fans and/or celebrities rain on our Monday nights, let’s do to them what WWF did to become WWE: “Get the F Out.”

Over the weekend at a WWE live event in Victoria, British Columbia, Roman Reigns was hit in the back of the head with a replica Money In The Bank briefcase. The perpetrator was a supposed fan who is now banned from all future WWE live events.

For a company that has taken its lumps this summer with the deaths of Roddy Piper and Dusty Rhodes, in addition to the exile of Hulk Hogan, the fan attack was not the good news that WWE likes to promote.

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On a sports landscape where fans increasingly believe there is no separation between spectator and athlete, this random act of violence reiterates that no matter how much peer pressure you receive, there is no reason to indulge fellow morons. That’s why celebrities block trolls on social media.

The feeling of getting rid of someone toxic is very cleansing and can be a huge relief. So now that WWE has the ball rolling, let’s ban some other degenerates and gesture accordingly.

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Jeremy Piven

In 2009, WWE was on a streak of having a celebrity guest host Monday Night Raw, similar to the tradition of Saturday Night Live. There were hits and misses. Some lifetime fans like Seth Green and Snoop Dogg added to the night and were not there only for ratings. However, multiple people in this article have been shameful, celebrity misses.

Enter Jeremy Piven. Known to many as Entourage’s Ari Gold, Piven came on Raw to promote his movie The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard. WWE was more interested in promoting Summerslam. And even though DX tried to save the script and Dr Ken tried to play weird Asian throughout the segment, Piven showed how clueless he was when he called the upcoming pay-per-view “Summerfest.” Unfortunately, the PPV is not an annual concert in Milwaukee that has been headlined by Bon Jovi, Bruno Mars and Florida Georgia Line.

The damage was done and I’m sure Vince was backstage shaking his head or cursing violently. When the Entourage cast returned to RAW over the summer at Nassau Coliseum, Jeremy Piven was not part of that entourage and rightly so. Raw Isn’t Piven.

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Larry the Cable Guy

In November of 2014, WWE welcomed Larry the Cable Guy to Monday Night Raw. Apparently “Jingle All the Way” was worth a sequel, but a much lesser, straight-to-DVD kind of sequel. Enter Larry the Cable Guy and his costar Santino Marella. While you would think Larry would carry the segment since he is the national, mainstream performer, he was pretty much the fat kid in dodgeball who seemed to get himself out.

What Daniel Whitney (Larry’s non-kayfabe name) didn’t realize is you can’t parody wrestling on a wrestling show. So while it was fun to hear a King Kong Bundy reference, smart fans, casual fans, and people with general common sense, knew that the shtick wasn’t flying. The key to being a successful guest host is to take it seriously and not try to create a Saturday Night Live skit about wrestling… unless you’re The Rock.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_yWxB9VW0c

Sorry Larry, I don’t want cable anymore. I’ll just use Netflix and Hulu.

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Dana White/Joe Rogan

It is no secret: UFC President Dana White and WWE Chairman Vince McMahon are not even Facebook friends. So when the WWE was mourning the death of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and “Rowdy” Ronda Rousey was dedicating her match to her namesake, Dana White committed the cardinal sin of describing wrestling using the f-word. Wrestlers like Seth Rollins and Bull Dempsey called him out immediately, regardless of the context, even though UFC’s biggest all-time draw was Brock Lesnar who came from WWE.

So while you would usually ban someone after they are part of a show, let’s make a pre-emptive strike and ban everyone named Dana or Joe from UFC, especially when Ronda Rousey jumps ship and takes the Diva Revolution to another galaxy.

Joe Rogan, who is to Dana White what Michael Cole is to Vince McMahon, is no fan either and I’m sure Fear Factor to him would be watching every Wrestlemania consecutively. Or maybe instead of banning Rogan, we can make him experience true terror: watch the declining episodes of Nitro.

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Super, Duper, Uber Smarks

One of the most anticipated debuts in recent WWE history occurred on the July 8, 2013 edition of Raw and featured The Wyatt Family. The entrance was authentic, the aura was original and the domination of Kane was legitimate. However, there was one black eye on the occasion and unfortunately some of WWE’s “hardcore” fans were responsible.

As the Wyatts sauntered around the ring during their entrance, you could hear a small, but audible chant in the first few rows of “Husky Harris,” the name of Bray’s old gimmick from his NXT (reality show) days. Bray did fail as Husky in front of a large television audience rather than down in the semi-secretive FCW. As a consequence, some know-it-alls had to make themselves heard and ruin the effect from the millions watching.

In the last few years, since fans can now bicker over Twitter or rant on their own podcast, they believe it’s okay to hijack a moment of WWE TV by shouting things that have nothing to do with what is going on in the ring. This article was conceived due to the Roman Reigns briefcase incident. While “CM Punk” chants serve the purpose of showing dissatisfaction with the current segment, the fans of July 8, 2013, and even some of the lewder fans during the Raw after WrestleMania 31, show how just because you pay for a ticket, doesn’t mean you can attempt to sabotage a show.

My theory on why the post-modern super smark acts this way can be a tease for another column, but in the meantime, let’s pretend said smark just punched Geno Smith in the face and we can get rid of him, so Rex Ryan can scoop him up the next day.

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Every Politician

About every four years WWE and politics collide in one of two ways:

1) WWE stages a parody wrestling match between presidential candidates. For example, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton look-a-likes duked it out in 2008 as it reached all levels of absurd. In the end, Hillary was victorious and the Bill Clinton doppelgänger was posing in the ring like Hulk Hogan.

2) Weeks before the election, politicians choose to film a pre-recorded message with cheesy catchphrases as they read off cue cards during a program they have no interest in, but at least there is an audience of millions to pander to for votes.

As we’ve come to know over the years, politicians are not people, but programmed robots fighting on behalf of lobbyists for half of their term and trying to get re-elected during the other half. Their world of kayfabe is less entertaining and much more cliched than ours.

The only way a politician would be allowed at an event is if they were an actual fan. (Cue Donald Trump‘s music). However, it is ironic that one of the most authentic celebrity fans that has been on Raw was Jon Stewart who to many has been considered a trusted political news source.

So consider this a memo from the WWE Universe to celebrities and fans who falsely think they are celebrities: Take us seriously and we won’t chant “boring” in return.

Evan Wecksell is a touring comedian who has appeared on VH1, E! and WWE.com. Follow him on Twitter and like his WWE-sanctioned child Beckett Sage on Facebook.

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WWE: Five More People to Ban from Events

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