Five WWE Superstars Who Can Star in 80s Movie Reboots

Evan Wecksell

WWE.com

If Ronda Rousey can be in Roadhouse, why can’t these WWE Superstars and Divas star in their own 80s movies?

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With every passing day, we continue to learn that it is Ronda Rousey’s (and Donald Trump’s) world and we are just living in it. Whether she is revving up for her next fight, starring in her own biopic or accepting a date from one of our military, Rousey continues to prove that there is nothing she can’t do. The most recent news of her dominance came when it was revealed that she plans to star in an upcoming reboot of the 80s Patrick Swayze movie Roadhouse.

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Patrick Swayze’s superkicks and feathery hair were something to behold and we learned you don’t bring a gun to a foot fight. So while we will have to wait to see if Ronda does the 80s proud, let’s fantasy cast some current WWE Superstars and Divas in their own 80s reboots. So pick out a poorly color-coordinated outfit and fire up some new wave music, because new school is going old school.

Check out which WWE stars could be in an 80s movie reboot by clicking below.

Next: The Shining

Dean Ambrose Stars in THE SHINING

WWE UK

Oh, such perfect psychosis we saw in this 1980 Stephen King novel-turned-film. Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) brings his fragile wife (Shelley Duvall) and special needs/ESP son Danny to a Colorado hotel where Jack’s job is to look after the hotel over the harsh winter. The only problem is that the hotel is haunted and slowly dements Jack into an axe-swinging, compulsive-writing psychopath. Throw in some creepy twin girls, bloody elevators and Room 237 and here is a movie that was made for Dean Ambrose to turn into his own asylum.

Even though WWE UK beat me to this concept with the above photo, let’s fully WWE this plot: Dean Ambrose takes his sweet wife Renee Young and undersized child Hornswoggle to this hotel. All is well at first until Ambrose slowly turns into the Lunatic Fringe. Meanwhile, Hornswoggle is tricycling around the hotel and runs into the creepy Bella Twins. “Come play with us!”

In the remake we can forget about the axe, because Ambrose seems like more of a baseball bat guy. And instead of driving snowcats, Ambrose is motorcycling circles around the property. With all not well at the Overlook Hotel, Hornswoggle uses his ESP to call Finlay back to the hotel. As Finlay wanders through the lobby, Ambrose surprises with his trusty bat and goes Steroid Era on his “arse.” And forget “Here’s Johnny!” Ambrose is busting through every hotel room door in his way screaming, “This is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart!”

Next: Splash

Courtesy of WWE.com

Charlotte Stars in SPLASH

In this 80s comedy, a young boy into the sea and was rescued by a mermaid. Twenty years later, that same person, now a grown Tom Hanks, falls into the water again and is rescued again by the same mute mermaid played by Darryl Hannah. They begin to fall in love, but of course there is a bad guy and it’s a scientist who is obsessed with the mermaid. And honestly who isn’t obsessed with mermaids? They are like the unicorns of the ocean. So how would WWE update this classic?

Sometimes all you need is a look, and when I see Charlotte I see a mermaid. That hair has extensions on extensions, perfect for when she emerges from the water naked and her hair covers her chest. Do we need a WWE Superstar to play the male lead? Not necessarily, because there was nothing macho about Tom Hanks in this movie. But let’s just give it to Tom Phillips and have a good chuckle. Lastly, who should be our scientist? The answer: Hornswoggle! Not because we need Hornswoggle in every remake, but because we believe his obsession with Charlotte is due to the fact that his body type doesn’t allow him to swim and that makes him extremely jealous. The story writes itself!

Next: R-Truth

WWE.com

R-Truth Stars in COMING TO AMERICA

In Coming to America, Eddie Murphy played a prince who escaped an arranged marriage in hopes of finding someone who would love him in spite of his royal title. This movie has an exquisite cast: Eddie Murphy playing a prince while disguising himself by working at a fast food joint, Arsenio Hall as his sidekick and the legendary James Earl Jones as the king father. The movie still resonates today as it is building its second generation of fans. So how would the WWE reboot go?

R-Truth wants nothing to do with being a prince (or being in prison if you want to use his actual back story) so he is out to find his soul mate. Eddie Murphy went to Queens, NY to find his queen; R-Truth is going to Green Bay (but he thinks it’s Milwaukee). When he meets a female cheesehead he wants to make sure she loves him for his undecipherable entrance music and not his funky hair and grill. Of course, Truth wants to get approval from his father so enter his dad aka Ron Simmons, wearing the King Truth ‘Burger King’ crown followed by a warranted “DAMN!” Let’s make his love interest Tamina, and his sidekick King Barrett for irony sake. Coming to America is now Coming to Wisconsin. What’s up!?!?

Next: The Karate Kid

WWE.com

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman Star in THE KARATE KID

Note to reader:
These are 80s movies so we are pretending the 2010 remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan never existed. Just like saying Rocky V never happened, however, that was a remake, that was just terrible.

In the original The Karate Kid, Daniel (Ralph Macchio) moves to Southern California with his mother, but is soon bullied by a bunch of karate students from the Cobra Kai dojo. So where does ‘Danielson’ go? (No, not Bryan Danielson.) Daniel finds Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) who soon passes on all his karate knowledge and mind-over-matter philosophies in order to build his new student’s confidence and competence. Daniel then enters a karate tournament and gets hit with plenty of adversity including an injured leg ordered by the dojo’s teacher. Thankfully Miyagi was a better teacher. In the WWE version, things will go destructively differently.

When WWE gets a hold of this story, Daniel will be played by “The Beast Incarnate” Brock Lesnar. Maybe the movie can use special effects to make Brock’s body small like how Captain America did with a young Chris Evans. However, this movie will probably run for half the time because Brock will face much less resistance because he is Brock Lesnar. In fact, when Brock meets his teacher, Paul Heyman, all the coaching he receives is just Paul Heyman singing “Glory Glory Brock Lesnar.”

Brock does encounter the bullying of the Cobra Kai, only their dojo will be led by Joe Rogan. Brock enters the karate tournament, but dispatches of his opponents quicker than Patrick Swayze in the original Roadhouse. (That will also be the challenge of the Rousey remake: how do you make a she-hulk come off vulnerable?) However, Brock will have some adversity of his own.

Despite Brock taking each victim to Suplex City, Joe Rogan, in the semifinals, orders Kevin Owens to not ‘sweep the leg,’ but ‘sweep the intestines’ as a nod to Brock’s diverticulitis. Lana also pops up as Elisabeth Shue’s love interest character, and when Brock reaches the finals Johnny is played by heel Dolph Ziggler and F-5’s him seven times.

This is only one plot option. Another can just be Brock suplexing every citizen of California one-by-one, because sometimes you just want a movie to be an extended squash match.

Next: The Three Amigos

WWE.com

The New Day Star in THE THREE AMIGOS

One of the best slapstick comedies of the 80s was The Three Amigos starring Chevy Chase, Steve Martin and Martin Short. The trio played silent movie stars, but when one of their movies bombed they all got fired. However, a young Mexican woman drew them to her village and offered a high-paying opportunity. Unfortunately, the opportunity was not acting-based, because the woman didn’t understand kayfabe and thought they were real heroes who could help rid her village of the evil El Guapo. Looks like WWE Studios has a diverse reboot on its hands.

If there’s one thing you get from watching The Three Amigos, it’s that they have fun together, just like Big E, Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods do as The New Day. The plot of the movie could almost be based on their real-life ascension (pun intended) in WWE. They were not doing much as singles competitors so they decided to team up. Vince wanted them to be a trio of hardcore black preachers so they made the best of it. However, when Vince sends The New Day to the ring (Mexico), it turns out the reception was not what they signed up for. So is the audience El Guapo? Or can this be an excuse to bring back Alberto Del Rio as the antagonist? One thing is for sure: instead of playing guitars, Xavier teaches Kofi and Big E how to play the trombone. That is getting down to brass tacks. And that is why New Day Rocks!

So it looks like I have done all the leg work. WWE Studios, the ball is in your court.

Evan Wecksell is a touring comedian who has appeared on VH1, Conan and WWE.com. Follow him on Twitter and like his WWE-sanctioned child Beckett Sage.

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Evan Wecksell

Evan Wecksell is a touring comedian who has appeared on VH1, E! and SiriusXM. Please like his WWE-sanctioned son Beckett Sage on Facebook.