WWE Hell in a Cell: 5 Non-Wrestlers to Challenge John Cena

Evan Wecksell

At Hell in the Cell, John Cena will defend his US Title, presumably against a wrestler. However, what if a non-wrestlers got a crack?

Many have lined up and many were sent down. Neville, Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, Stardust, Sami Zayn, Cesaro. All those superstars failed in their attempt to win John Cena’s US title. Then Cena lost his title to Seth Rollins at SummerSlam with the help of Jon Stewart and a steel chair, only for Cena to regain the gold from Rollins at Night of Champions.

Now as we are smack in the middle of John Cena’s second US Championship run in 2015, let’s hypothesize who will answer the challenge and successfully unseat Cena. The idea of a new champion after Hell in the Cell might not be so far off as, according to recent reports, Cena will be taking some time off in the near future.

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So if Cena is going to lose the title, it has to be to someone special and hopefully someone outside the wrestling fan’s consciousness. Heck, who says it has to be a wrestler. Check out this motley crew of possibilities.

Next: Your NNeeeewwww House Speaker

(Potential) New Speaker of the House Paul Ryan

Let’s kick off the list with a straightforward heel, someone so hated The Authority could have genetically engineering him themselves. If the name sounds familiar, Paul Ryan was Mitt Romney’s vice presidential running mate in 2012. He followed in the footsteps of previous GOP running mate Sarah Palin, someone whom you liked right away because they were attractive until they opened their mouth and made you blurt out in your head a full-fledged Ron Simmons “DAMN!”

Paul Ryan would do for Cena what WWE couldn’t do over the past six years: cause 100% of the audience to cheer for Cena. House Representative Ryan was actually reluctant to take the Speaker job, because he recognized how irrational some of his party’s motives were, and didn’t want to further stir the pot. However, rather than respectfully decline, Paul Ryan accepted half-heartedly just like CM Punk accepted his last WWE contract.

Now Ryan is the House Speaker only if the GOP caves to his demands. Nothing extreme, just changing how he can be fired, forcing everyone to like him before he is elected and guaranteeing his family time (while simultaneously supporting legislation to eliminate paid family leave for employees). The chants in the Staples Center would be slightly different.

“Let’s Go Cena!” “Ryan sucks!”

Next: Your NLCS MVP! (Let's Go Mets!)

New York Mets 2nd Baseman Daniel Murphy

Don’t worry Yankees fans. It’s okay to like what the Mets are doing. And it’s okay to be amazed at the numbers Daniel Murphy is putting up in the postseason. The Mets second baseman is currently hitting .421 this postseason with nine home runs over seven games, including a home run in six straight games, a record on many levels. And his home runs have all come off pitching aces: Clayton Kershaw, Zack Greinke, Jon Lester, Jake Arrieta and Kershaw again. (Don’t worry, this is still a wrestling blog.)

Murphy is a full-fledged real-life superhero and Cena is a self-made, partially-manufactured superhero. It’s hero vs hero, legend vs icon, champion vs MVP. The stare down between these two before the bell would bring back the opening moments of Rock vs Hogan at WrestleMania 18. Daniel Murphy can do no wrong right now so why should we think he could not get the title off of Cena?

If Murphy showed up to Hell in the Cell (the Mets will still be on hiatus), how would the Los Angeles crowd react? Will they have to cheer Cena? Will Dodger fans spew anti-Met venom at Murphy? Thankfully everyone living in Los Angeles isn’t from Los Angeles, so Murphy would probably get a hero’s welcome from all the east coast transplants in attendance. And Murphy could be bringing back a second belt to the Mets to go with the one Michael Cuddyer created that features a Met logo for each game’s MVP.

Next: Guns-A-Blazin'

Dallas Cowboys Defensive End Greg Hardy

Greg Hardy hasn’t played two games in a row in the NFL since 2013. Was it the injury bug? No, it was the doing dumb s*** bug.

Hardy surrendered ten firearms to police after a domestic violence incident against a woman who he didn’t like because she once dated Nelly. Hardy was suspended initially suspended the first ten games of the season, but since the NFL views domestic violence on the same moral level as taking a banned substance, Hardy’s suspension was reduced to only four games. Either way, Hardy will have learned his lesson, right?

Not exactly. During one of Hardy’s first interviews following a practice, he insured lifetime heel status when he said he would come out against the Patriots “guns-a-blazing.” He also admired how attractive Tom Brady’s wife was and encouraged her to bring along her sister. Even Randy Orton kissing an unconscious Stephanie McMahon in front of a handcuffed Triple H didn’t reach that level of creepy. At least Orton had a clue what he was doing, he has voices in his head telling him what to do. Hardy probably has some vamping circus music or Nelly’s “Hot in Herre.”

In a perfect world, Hardy could represent the Cowboys at WrestleMania 32 and challenge John Cena for his title on that night, but in a real perfect world there would be no Greg Hardy.

Next: The Wolverine

Michigan Punter Blake O’Neill

It was a dark day for Michigan Wolverines everywhere last Saturday at The Big House. With seconds to go in the fourth quarter and holding a three-point lead it seemed all but certain that the Wolverines were about to topple Michigan State rivals. However, enter the miracle.

Michigan punter Blake O’Neill fumbled the punt, Michigan State recovered and ran the ball back for a winning touchdown as time expired. Heartbreak and triumph: it was like a Shawn Michaels DVD all at once.

So why should a college punter challenge John Cena for his US title? Because everyone loves a good redemption story and receiving death threats from an entire state is darker than one man’s divorce and a loss to The Rock. Could the crowd sympathize with O’Neill and see if they have another 1-2-3 Kid on their hands? If he can put up a fight and hold his own better than he can hold a football, the answer is a resounding ‘Yes!’

Speaking of yes…

Next: Yes, Please

Daniel Bryan

And we have our swerve.

It seems as though these past slides of fictional fluff was all posturing. It appears the true purpose of this article was to encourage WWE to give Daniel Bryan the green light.

Yes, Daniel Bryan has had a history of concussions. Yes, the WWE doesn’t want an NFL-caliber ex-player concussion suit on their hands. Yes, Daniel Bryan was right on Total Divas when he said you shouldn’t live your life in fear.

Since relinquishing the Intercontinental Championship last May, Daniel Bryan has been stuck in limbo, a weird realm where one gardens, installs compost toilets and plays reality show judge. Would Daniel Bryan receive a huge pop if “Flight of the Valkyries” suddenly hit and he returned? Definitely top 10. Daniel Bryan is the last superstar who has fully gotten himself fully with the WWE Universe, and if WWE insists on more Kane/Taker/Big Show main event appearances, then Raw ratings will only continue to tumble. Outside of the hopeless CM Punk return to Ronda Rousey defection, Daniel Bryan is the top-level guy in WWE’s back pocket, the extra ace in the deck.

However, it is always in the hands of the doctors and WWE’s doctor has said no, while Bryan found a top-tier neurologist who said yes. In the near future, a third neurologist is about to break the tie like Chuck Norris did in Dodgeball.

But fear not Daniel Bryan fans, let’s not give up on the bearded one. Even if the third doctor says no, can’t we have this play out like a best-of-seven playoff series? All signs point to Daniel Bryan seeing more matches in his future. And since he always wrestles with the home-field advantage he could be one flying knee away from calling himself the new US Champion.

Evan Wecksell is a comedian from VH1, Conan and E! Network. His WWE-sanctioned child Beckett Sage wants to meet Sasha Banks.

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Evan Wecksell

Evan Wecksell is a touring comedian who has appeared on VH1, E! and SiriusXM. Please like his WWE-sanctioned son Beckett Sage on Facebook.