WWE WrestleMania 34: Results, Highlights, Analysis, and Grades

Photo Source: WWE.com

Follow along with our live review of WWE WrestleMania 34. The Grandest Stage of Them All is finally set for a night of wild action!

Well, folks, we’ve been on this road for a year now. Things kick into high gear every January, but it’s really a twelve month trip. It’s finally time for WWE WrestleMania 34, once again taking place in New Orleans.

Fans in The Big Easy – and all around the world – are in for a treat. A testament to the incredible roster of talent WWE has assembled in recent years, there are an astonishing 13 matches signed over the course of the day. Nine of those matches are championship encounters. And there’s a chance another match may take place, to boot.

While the official match order won’t be known until the show gets rolling, the presumed main event is a rematch of the WrestleMania 31 main event. Roman Reigns will once again challenge champion Brock Lesnar, this time for the Universal Championship. Reigns has issue with Brock being a champ who never shows up to work. Can The Big Dog dethrone The Beast?

The WWE Championship match is also a rematch, but not from WWE. A little more than two years ago, Shinsuke Nakamura defeated AJ Styles at NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 10. This year, Nakamura won the Royal Rumble and chose to face WWE Champ Styles in a “dream match.” Can Styles retain, or will The King of Strong Style once again pull out a victory?

There’s so much else on the card – Ronda Rousey’s debut match. Daniel Bryan’s return to the ring after a medically forced requirement. The mystery of who Braun Strowman will find for a tag team partner. Asuka putting her undefeated streak on the line to challenge Charlotte Flair for the SmackDown Women’s Championship. And that barely scratches the surface.

But the biggest question of the night? Will The Undertaker finally address John Cena’s challenge? Cena has spent the past four weeks begging Taker for a match at WrestleMania. But there hasn’t been a peep from the Dead Man. Will that change before the night is over?

Related Story: WWE WrestleMania 34 Staff Predictions

There’s a trio of matches on the two-hour Kickoff Show, as well. Be sure to follow along with our live WWE WrestleMania 34 review right here starting at 5 p.m. ET.

Photo Source: WWE.com

Look at the GORGEOUS Set

I mean, REALLY look at it. It’s beautiful. The whole thing really captures the essence of New Orleans, doesn’t it? The bright colors, the masquerade mask, the exquisite pattern on the walls – it’s perfect. I wrote earlier in the week that when WrestleMania incorporates local flavor into the festivities, it’s at its best. And clearly, they swung for the fences with the stage, as well.

Hey, the ramp doesn’t look too long, either! So hopefully, the entrances won’t take up too much time, and we’ll get a bunch of high-quality rasslin’ on the show.

What a Lousy Pre Show Panel

Renee Young is joined by Booker T, JBL, and David Otunga. Woof. My disdain for Booker T on commentary is well-documented, and you shouldn’t need me to spell out how much more I dislike the bully known as JBL. Otunga is perfectly harmless, but he’s a fish out of water on the panel. Seriously, the only way this could have been less pleasant was if Rosenberg was up there in his Bobby Heenan jacket.

At least because the show is so stacked, there’s not a whole lot of room for banter on the panel. It’s “video package, discuss, video package, Sam Roberts outside,” and repeat a bunch of times. Speaking of…

Fighting Illiteracy One Promo at a Time

Roberts is outside the arena among the WWE Universe trying to hype a show that doesn’t need hype. It’s a pretty easy gig, and I’d kill to be able to do it, if we’re being totally honest. But as part of the gig, he’s got to shill the WWE Network, and even WrestleMania isn’t immune to the “words on screen” promo that’s been sweeping the nation of late.

And it’s like someone vomited neon all over the television screen. Apparently, The Grandest Stage of All isn’t just for the in-ring talent – even the production crew is working hard to make it a show we’ll never forget.

How Did He Get Tickets on Such Short Notice?

John Cena not only got a ticket to WrestleMania at the last minute, but he was one of the first “fans” in the building and in his seat. Being rich must be nice.

Photo Source: WWE.com

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Result: Matt Hardy last eliminated Baron Corbin to win

Rating: 2.75 out of 5 stars

Aiden English being the first man eliminated is a terrible way to kick off Rusev Day. The nerve of the other superstars in the match. And Curt Hawkins can’t end his losing streak? So much for WrestleMania dreams.

Highlight of the match for me? The brief reunion of The Golden Truth. Hey, continuity always gets a pop from me – even if the Goldust heel turn was abandoned pretty quickly. R-Truth tried to dance for his former buddy, but Goldie tossed him. To add literal insult to injury, he dabbed in Truth’s face. 2018, folks – anything can happen. (Loved Goldust’s Dusty-inspired ring gear and face paint, too.)

Dolph Ziggler’s transformation into Shawn Michaels is basically complete. The logo pattern on his tights looks almost exactly like HBK’s. He wears basically the same boots. And every battle royal Ziggler competes in, he skins the cat no fewer than a dozen times, just like Michaels.

Somewhat surprisingly, the eliminations came very slowly at the start of the match. It made it really tough to tell just who was doing what to whom in the match. But I could very clearly see Mojo Rawley take a stab at becoming my favorite wrestler by ambushing former partner Zack Ryder to spectacularly eliminate him. Nice try, Mojo, but it still isn’t enough.

The face off between Tye Dillinger and Matt Hardy probably looked better on paper than it played out. It was fun and all, but there’s nothing quite like a guy not knowing who another superstar is – even if they’re on opposite brands.

The finish was odd – Bray Wyatt teleported into the ring to assist Hardy to win. I guess the Lake of Reincarnation didn’t so much “reincarnate” as “mentally reprogram.” With how long it took for the bell to ring, I thought they were treating Wyatt as an entrant into the match, but it wasn’t meant to be.

Not a bad way to start the proceedings, and it looked like a decent portion of the crowd was in their seats before the match started.

Photo Source: WWE.com

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali

Result: Cedric Alexander defeated Mustafa Ali via pinfall to become the NEW WWE Cruiserweight Champion

Rating: 3.25 out of 5 stars

In the war of pop culture supremacy, Alexander looked like the lost son of Wakanda, and Ali went full Sub-Zero. Cedric gets points for topical relevance, but Ali had light-up attire. Advantage: Ali.

There’s not much to say about the match itself that hasn’t been said about any other time these two have faced off. The difference here is that both superstars really made a point of proving how well they knew the other. Alexander blocked an Ali attempt at a tornado DDT – one of his signatures. He also “borrowed” another of Ali’s signature moves – the Spanish Fly.

Of course, Ali took it one step further, coming back to hit his own Spanish Fly off the top rope. He would connect with the 054, but neglected to hook the far leg, which Cedric got on the bottom rope to break the count. Whether intentional or not, that’s huge in the story. Ali is the “heart” of 205 Live, and being at WrestleMania his head may have betrayed him a bit. The look on his face when he realized what happened said it all.

The finish was a perfect bookend to the handshake at the open of the match. Alexander kept coming back with his elbow strikes, but Ali wouldn’t stay down. The look on Cedric’s face told the tale perfectly – he didn’t want to hurt his friend, but he desperately wanted to win the match and the championship. He hesitated a second before hitting the third strike, giving Ali a chance to save himself. When that failed, Alexander delivered the final strike, then a Lumbar Check for the victory.

Superfan at ringside John Cena seemed to appreciate the match, but if the entire night becomes “LOOK AT JOHN CENA WATCHING THIS MATCH, HE’S JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE” I may vomit.

Still, this match was really good, told a great story, and definitely fit the oversized scope of a WrestleMania. Looking forward to Alexander’s run with the title, and curious to see how Ali bounces back from this.

Photo Source: WWE.com

WrestleMania Women’s Battle Royal

Result: Naomi last eliminated Bayley to win

Rating: 2.75 out of 5 stars

Who’s bright idea was it to give Becky Lynch an entrance, then introduce “the rest,” but give Bayley and Sasha Banks their own entrances, too? That’s such a slap in the face to the “second tier” superstars. If it’s a battle royal, march everyone down to the ring at once, then start the match. If you want superstars to get an individual entrance, give them a singles/tag match.

Love the mob mentality at the start of the match to eliminate Carmella. Ms. Money in the Bank was a bit too cocky for her own good, and was unceremoniously dumped out by the field. Dana Brooke mocked Carmella’s ouster, and the group did the same thing to her. There’s no reason not to work together early on to thin the herd, great to see that as the strategy here.

And part of the mob? A contingent of NXT superstars – Peyton Royce, Dakota Kai, Kairi Sane, Bianca Belair, Taynara Conti, and Kavita Devi. Despite heel/face alignments, the “minor leaguers” worked together to prove they belonged just as much as anyone else. Belair, who hasn’t impressed me the way she has the majority of fans, it seems, hit a beautiful 450 splash on Sonya Deville. She got some good distance on it, too – maybe I’m wrong when I think she’s nothing more than a Willow Smith song?

The battle royal, for the most part, wasn’t much different than the men’s match. There weren’t really any crazy stave-off-elimination spots, no unexpected alliances (apart from NXT, which makes sense in context). Sasha and Bayley working together to get to the point of being “final two” is exactly how their breakup has been playing out of late. Neither one wants to totally give up on the other, so they keep coming back to each other.

The “I won but not really” spot with Bayley at the end would have made a ton more sense if it was a heel celebrating getting eliminated by a babyface. Even Bayley celebrating, only to be eliminated by a sneaky heel would have been better. Ignoring alignments all the time lessens the impact of certain moments. The best stories of all time – not only in wrestling, but in all art and literature and cinema – have a well-defined “hero” and “antagonist/villain.” Your hero can be flawed, your villain sympathetic to an extent – but the alignments are there for a reason.

Again, not a bad battle royal, but it probably could have been something more special than it already was. The fact that the match even took place is a testament to how far women’s wrestling has come in the past few years. And, maybe, the fact that the match was treated in the same, middle-of-the-road manner the men’s battle royal was is a sign that things are more equal than we already thought?

Photo Source: WWE.com

Intercontinental Championship Match

The Miz (c) vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor

Result: Seth Rollins pinned The Miz to become the NEW Intercontinental Champion

Rating: 4.25 out of 5 stars

First great Mania moment of the night goes to The Miz with the text overlay in his entrance. It hits all the important Miz talking points – Hot Wife, for example – and if anyone gets that kind of treatment, it makes sense for it to be the pompous A-Lister.

Finn Balor being flanked by the LGBTQ community for his entrance was great in a (too) sweet way. And, uh, Seth Rollins looks like a White Walker? IT’S ON, BABY.

Things picked up in a big way right off the bat. A rapid fire sequence of pin attempts from all three superstars ended with Balor taking to the skies with a picture-perfect topé con giro. Rollins followed up back in the ring with a flying clothesline – and he got some height on it, too – and a double blockbuster. All this happened in the first five minutes of the match, too.

The battle of the Sling Blades between Rollins and Balor was predictable, but I guess necessary. There was more than enough good stuff in this one to let that slide. Tons of close near falls, crazy spots – that frog splash by Rollins to break up the figure four was one of the most beautiful moves I’ve ever seen.

https://twitter.com/WWE/status/983122865229774849

Seth nearly killing himself by turning a Skull Crushing Finale into a Crown of the Head Spiking Finale was terrifying, but it capped off a great sequence from all three superstars – yes, there were a lot of those in the match. I don’t like Balor always being one step ahead of Rollins on the superplex-Falcon Arrow combo, but that’s a minor complaint in the greater context of this match.

There was so much going on at the end of this one. Miz hit a super Skull Crushing Finale – which Michael Cole inexplicably called a bulldog, which ugh – but Balor broke up the pin at 2.9999999 with a Coup de Grace.

After Balor hit another, Coup de Grace on The Miz, he was slow to cover, giving Rollins time to hit the Blackout on both superstars. A separate stomp to Miz sealed the deal, and Seth Rollins is the newest WWE Grand Slam Champion.

Man, what an opener. Clearly, these three guys were watching TakeOver the night before and did their damndest to top that fantastic show. But this was 20+ minutes of fire, and it sets a great tone for the rest of the show.

Photo Source: WWE.com

SmackDown Women’s Championship Match

Charlotte Flair (c) vs. Asuka

Result: Charlotte Flair defeated Asuka via submission

Rating: 4.0 out of 5 stars

Four years ago, when WrestleMania was last in New Orleans, Triple H opened the show with a kingly entrance. He was flanked by three valets – we know now they were Sasha Banks, Alexa Bliss, and Charlotte Flair.

Tonight, the same throne was brought back for The Queen herself. Charlotte was flanked by a pair of gladiators – my guess is that it was Tino Sabbatelli and Riddick Moss, but time will tell. The parallel to Charlotte’s first Mania as a performer is a nice throwback, and you can’t say she hasn’t earned it. The non-remixed version of “Also Sprach Zarathustra” was welcome, as we haven’t heard that at a WrestleMania in a long time.

This match was opposite end of the spectrum of the wild Intercontinental Triple Threat, but it was no less impressive. Charlotte suffered damage to her shoulder early on, and Asuka was like a shark smelling blood in the water. The shift in strategy to attack the shoulder led to some great psychology, knowing Asuka’s devastating submissions were just around the corner.

And just because this one was more psychologically driven doesn’t mean it was devoid of big spots. Asuka countered a dang moonsault into a triangle, for Pete’s sake! And that suplex from the apron to the arena floor? OUCHTOWN, BRO, POPULATION YOU.

And holy cow, when did Charlotte master the Spanish Fly? Is that why 205 Live tapes after SmackDown – so the cruisers can teach The Queen their repertoire? Unbelievable.

The list goes on and on of great things – Natural Selection reversed into a submission, the fact that Charlotte sold the shoulder injury on the Figure Eight by only bridging on one arm, and THAT SPEAR, MY GOD. But the biggest shock was not only Asuka’s streak coming to an end, but by submission. Someone who’s been undefeated for three years doesn’t strike me as the type to willingly just give up.

But the streak is done, which opens the door for Asuka to remain on Raw, I guess. And the variety of her stories should pick up now that there isn’t the specter of the undefeated streak looming overhead. Charlotte gets a rub she probably didn’t really need, but it sets up a great main event in New Jersey at WrestleMania 35 when Charlotte faces a monster Ronda Rousey.

Following the match, a referee ran down the ramp to hop the railing and tell John Cena “something,” according to the broadcasters.

I specifically heard, “The Undertaker’s here, you gotta head backstage.” But let’s see how long they try to play off “WHY DID CENA RUN TO THE BACK?”

Photo Source: WWE.com

WWE United States Championship Match

Randy Orton (c) vs. Bobby Roode vs. Rusev (w/ Aiden English) vs. Jinder Mahal (w/ Sunil Singh)

Result: Jinder Mahal pinned Rusev to become NEW United States Champion

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

This match had been going on for about five minutes before I even attempted to type anything. There was literally nothing about this – aside from Rusev Day – to get excited about. Randy Orton has been the most boring superstar in WWE for the past decade. The most interesting thing he did was join the Wyatt Family, and we know how that ended for everyone.

Bobby Roode, sad as it sounds, has become a one-note superstar. Besides the robes and saying “GLORIOUS,” what does he have to differentiate himself from the pack? He’s pretty good in the ring, and tells a great story, but being the third wheel in a fatal four way match isn’t the environment for him to thrive.

Rusev was clearly the fan choice in this match. But since he was basically an afterthought to even be added to the match, the likelihood of him winning was low. He had the best non-RKO moments of the match, but he also ate the pin. Thanks for playing, RuRu.

And then there’s new US Champion Jinder Mahal. Ho, hum. I know the rules state the champion doesn’t need to be pinned in a fatal four way, but I hate when a challenger beats another challenger. It cheapens the victory. And now that Orton lost without losing, we’re clearly getting more Orton/Mahal matches. Because they were so good last year, you know?

Photo Source: WWE.com

Triple H & Stephanie McMahon vs. Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey

Result: Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey defeated Triple H & Stephanie McMahon via submission

Rating: 4.0 out of 5 stars

Bit shocked by the card placement of this one. The debut match for your – hopefully – new mainstream, crossover superstar going on fourth out of ten? (Or eleven with Taker/Cena going down.) We’re not even halfway through the main show, folks.

Trips and Steph coming out on matching motorcycles was a bold choice – guessing there won’t be a Biker Taker appearance later, with the motorcycle quota being fulfilled here. The synchronized water spit was adorbs, though, not gonna lie.

Bold choice by Rousey to get the Party City “Sexy Roddy Piper” costume for her debut match. Angle back in the stars and stripes is a refreshing sight, though.

The underlying theme here – Triple H and Stephanie wielding their power over the official (Drake Wuertz, who was by the book in the unsanctioned match to close NXT TakeOver). The Authority took an unfair advantage when Stephanie attacked Rousey from behind before the bell, as Triple H told the ref, “Remember who signs your paychecks.” Hmmmmm…

Unsurprisingly, the bulk of the match was carried by Angle and Triple H. Hunter was in control up until he nearly punched Stephanie. That opened the door for Angle to try for a tag, but Stephanie pulled Rousey off the apron, prolonging Angle’s troubles.

When Ronda finally got tagged in, any questions about Rousey’s ability to succeed as a WWE Superstar should have evaporated. She’s got it, folks. Ronda was a house of fire, getting in a bunch of good looking offense before showing some personality. The pause before she went for the armbar, telling Stephanie she was going for the left arm so she can still sign her checks, was cold as ice.

When she slipped up and Stephanie took command, Ronda showed good selling ability, too. Amazingly, she was better in front of 75,000 people at WrestleMania than she was in front of a Raw crowd of maybe 15,000. She thrives under pressure, I guess.

Then, WWE finally did it – a brief, but fantastic intergender portion of the match where Ronda got the best of Triple H. It was something I had been hoping would happen, but never thought would. I guess being (almost) the boss has its perks – he’s able to take the bullet without subjecting regular talent to it.

After that, things went back to Angle and Triple H carrying the load, until Angle put Stephanie into the Angle Lock. Triple H saved her and hit a Pedigree, but Rousey broke up the pin. Rousey countered a Pedigree with a hurricanrana on The Game, and locked him in an armbar. It was a great visual, and proof that intergender can succeed in WWE if done correctly.

The match ended when Ronda finally locked the armbar in on Steph (the left arm again), and Steph tapped immediately. Look, this could very easily have been a train wreck, but it turned out to be a damn fine match. I’m definitely interested in seeing Rousey go up against a non-executive to see how well she hangs. But based on her debut here at WrestleMania, she’s going to be just fine for a long time.

Photo Source: WWE.com

SmackDown Tag Team Championship Match

The Usos (c) vs. The New Day vs. The Bludgeon Brothers

Result: The Bludgeon Brothers defeated The New Day via pinfall to become NEW SmackDown Tag Team Champions

Rating: 2.75 out of 5 stars

First things first: WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD ME THAT PLAYING THE DRAGONZORD THEME ON A TROMBONE BRINGS OUT PANCAKES? All these years I’ve had a trombone handy, and never thought I could get a meal by playing a beloved snippet from a 90s TV show.

Once the flapjack festivities were done, the match went much the same way for the Usos and New Day as Fastlane. That was where Harper and Rowan annihilated everyone, robbing the WWE Universe of a finish to another great match between the longtime rivals. The Bludgeon Brothers just threw their weight around, taking out everyone again – including Xavier Woods, not a participant in the match.

The plan for the Usos and New Day seemed to be isolate and dominate the Bludgeon Brothers. It wasn’t super effective, though; at every turn, the monstrous duo brushed off the offensive onslaught. There were brief flashes where it looked like the Usos, especially, might have a chance, but this ultimately turned into a lengthy squash match.

I like Harper and Rowan, but again – not a fan of a triple threat ending with the winners not actually defeating the champions. I also don’t know how long Harper and Rowan can continue utterly dominating everything in their path. They just defeated the only two other tag teams worth a damn on SmackDown handily. Unless the Authors of Pain are showing up on Tuesday night, there’s nothing standing in the way of a Bludgeon Brothers title reign lasting into the next decade.

Photo Source: WWE.com

Undertaker vs. John Cena

Result: Undertaker defeated John Cena via pinfall

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

BEST. SEGMENT. EVER.

Like, how much happened here that was top notch? Cena makes his grand entrance, proclaiming, “HE’S HERE.” A referee comes to the ring for the match – the same ref who told Cena Taker was here. Then a second ref comes down to say, “haha, nope, that was just some cosplay guy, we were WAY off.” Cena leaves, lights go out, fans go nuts – and it’s ELIAS WITH HIS GUITAR. Magnifiqué!

I mean, this puts Elias on top of the list as the biggest jerk in all of WWE. Did he orchestrate the whole thing? Who knows? But he launches into his song as Cena heads back over the barricade to head to his seat. Honestly, the only thing that would have made this even better? If some seat crasher was squatting in John’s seat, spilling nacho cheese all over it.

Of course, Cena gets name dropped in the song, he jumps back into the ring, and whoops Elias like it was nothing. Big deal. He leaves, dejected, and the lights go out again, AND IT’S ON FOR REALLY REALS THIS TIME.

Taker’s gear from last year magically appears in the ring – lightning strikes, and it disappears. After the infamous GONG, the Dead Man rose from the depths of hell to make one last trip to the ring. And after what seems like a lifetime, Taker takes off the hat and it’s time for a match.

Not surprisingly, it’s ALL Taker. He moved a hell of a lot better than he has in recent years, but that could also be because this match was a fraction of the length of those others. A five minute squash match is a far cry from 25 minutes in a no holds barred against Roman Reigns, or a damn Hell in a Cell match against Shane McMahon. So let’s not get overly hyperbolic.

Major props to John Cena, who has convinced me to go see Blockers thanks to his impeccable acting during Taker’s appearance. I mean, dude sold it to perfection – the swallow in terror, the eyes, everything.

Photo Source: WWE.com

Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon vs. Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn

Result: Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon defeated Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn via submission

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the introduction of the 2018 Hall of Fame Class. Quick thoughts: Mark Henry is the best, still weird seeing Double J back, Goldberg is a badass, and Jarrius Robertson is a national treasure. (It’s also hilarious to me that Taker/Cena was basically the segue to the Hall of Fame segment.)

But on to the match at hand. I’m writing this with blurred vision from tears of joy seeing Bryan back in the ring.

It’s ridiculous on the face of it – I’ve never met the man, I’m just a fan, he’s not someone I grew up watching but rather a peer in terms of age. He just seems so happy to be back in the ring, I can’t help but be happy for the guy.

Of course, Owens and Zayn are the resident former reigning jerks of SmackDown, so they attack from behind before the match. Shane gets taken out in front of his family – with one of his sons yelling at Zayn, which whoa – and Bryan takes an apron bomb and gets loaded on a stretcher.

Shane decides to go it alone, gets the ref to ring the bell, and after a brief offensive flurry he falls victim to two angry opponents attacking his diverticulitis-riddled gut. Shane somehow manages to hit his coast to coast dropkick, which murders his intestines even more and opens him up to a wicked bullfrog splash from KO.

BUT IN FLIES DANIEL BRYAN FOR THE SAVE, because did you really think he was getting stretchered out of his big comeback? Nah, son. Shane makes a hot tag to Bryan, who just nonchalantly enters the ring with a look of quiet rage in his eyes.

After the layoff, Bryan hasn’t lost a step. All of his signature moves were crisp as could be, and the initial sequence from his tag in is going to be highlight reel material for years. It was terrifying as hell at points, like after the missile dropkick when he grabbed his head before the kip up. DON’T DO THAT, DANIEL!

Shockingly, there was no shenanigans or turns during the match. Bryan kicked out of both a Helluva Kick and a Pop Up Powerbomb, which whatever. He nailed the YES Kicks – great call making sure Miz didn’t do them during the opener, because the pop was HUGE. The running knee strike looked like murder, and he capped it off with a YES Lock, forcing Zayn to tap out.

So KO and Zayn don’t get reinstated to the SmackDown roster. I’m assuming they show up on Raw tomorrow – unless they get a bit of a vacation to sell the “firing” for a bit. The match was really good, but too much Shane gimping around hurts it a bit. I get that it was a big part of the story, but I just don’t generally care for Shane’s matches when he’s at full strength – let alone hobbled with intestinal issues.

Photo Source: WWE.com

Raw Women’s Championship Match

Alexa Bliss (c) (w/ Mickie James) vs. Nia Jax

Result: Nia Jax defeated Alexa Bliss via pinfall to become the NEW Raw Women’s Champion

Rating: 3.25 out of 5 stars

This was by no means the best match of the night. But it was definitely one of my favorite. It’s the culmination of an absolutely awful story with the body shaming and the superstars involved. Nothing says captivating television like a former anorexic hanging out with someone who was once called “Piggie James” and hated it going after someone who’s stated she’s a victim of body shaming!

But Nia Jax started this off perfectly – running through Mickie James to eliminate her from the equation. And the official start of the match was picture perfect – Jax just terrifying Bliss into almost submission. The dual screams at the beginning was a great bit of theater, too.

Alexa, being underhanded, used an eye rake to get back in control, and wisely attacked the leg. We’ve seen Nia get taken down from this strategy before, so there’s some continuity to the effort. I also appreciated the running theme of “Nia Jax is vulnerable to the guillotine choke” running through her career. Bayley beats her one time in NXT with that move, and all of a sudden it’s a permanent Achilles heel.

I honestly thought this would be an extended squash match, but I was wrong, and I think the match was better for it. Of course, it suffers a bit due to card placement – how do you follow both the return of The Undertaker and Daniel Bryan’s first match in several years? The crowd – and viewers – were likely burned out at this point.

Honestly, the only way this match could have ended was with a Nia Jax victory. When she hit the super Samoan drop, you knew it was over, but I did not expect the tears at the end and dammit I’m crying again. It’s amazing that in a pre-determined environment, a victory that you’re well aware is coming can still reduce you to tears.

I’m all aboard for the Nia Jax title run, bring it on.

Photo Source: WWE.com

WWE Championship Match

AJ Styles (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

Result: AJ Styles defeated Shinsuke Nakamura via pinfall

Rating: 3.75 out of 5 stars

As much hype as there was surrounding this match, Nakamura’s entrance got everyone even more excited. Nita Strauss, guitarist for Alice Cooper, played The King of Strong Style down ti the ring, along with a bunch of violinists lining the ramp. It was pretty rad, and a nice compliment to Lzzy Hale playing Ember Moon out at TakeOver.

And once the match got started, it started fast and furious with a lot of emotion behind every move. Nakamura was in control early, but things took a shift towards Styles before too long. In fact, for the first 15 minutes or so, things went back and forth quite a bit, with each superstar taking quite a bit of punishment.

Nakamura took the brunt, with his knee being the target. Makes sense – his finisher is a knee strike, after all. It came into play when Nak went for a suplex, but couldn’t support AJ’s weight and buckled – leading Styles to cinch in the Calf Crusher for an extended time.

My issue with this match was that it never really seemed to fully get to its climax. It was structured very much like a New Japan main event – for those who don’t watch, they’re usually long matches with slow builds to a big finish. This one was only about 20 minutes – not super long – and it built slowly, but just kind of ended.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it. But we’re six hours into WrestleMania here, there needs to be something big at the end. The whole section starting with Styles attacking the knee, and ending with Styles hitting the Snow Plow (!) was great! But the Styles Clash finish just seemed too abrupt. Both guys kicking out of finishers before that also took away from that being the end.

But after the match, the WWE Universe got that “something big” they were waiting for: NAKAMURA EMBRACING THE HATE AND TURNING ON STYLES. I guess hanging around Nita Strauss (and presumably Alice Cooper) led Nak to realize that there should be No More Mister Nice Guy.

So the reason this match felt so “meh” considering what could have been is that there’s more coming. Excellent.

Photo Source: WWE.com

Raw Tag Team Championship Match

Sheamus & Cesaro (c) vs. Braun Strowman & Nicholas

Result: Braun Strowman & Nicholas defeated Sheamus & Cesaro via pinfall to become NEW Raw Tag Team Champions (no, seriously)

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

The Bar made a grand entrance – riding a Mardis Gras float with a bunch of big head baby characters to the sounds of “When the Saints Go Marching In.” Again, local flavor is important to me, so I like this.

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Of course, Braun Strowman came out, scared away all the characters, and pushed the float off the stage, destroying it. But the big question remained: Who was Braun’s tag partner?

SPOILER ALERT: He didn’t have one! He took the mic to say there was no person in the back who could handle it, so he was going to pick a fan. Oooh, boy, this isn’t ending well at all. After a not so quick search, where Braun was followed around by a few unsavory types, he selected a random kid out of the crowd. Geez, Braun, don’t you remember John Cena was in the crowd not too long ago?

So with a pre-adolescent standing in his corner, Braun Strowman finished his complete destruction of the Raw Tag Team Division. Like, this is funny and all, and Braun can basically do no wrong if he’s just causing destruction. But if I’m, say, The Revival, I’m livid at the mockery that’s been made of my life’s work.

What’s the end game here? We knew Braun would win the match, no matter who his partner was. But with a random kid – Nicholas – from the crowd, this kid has to show up at least one more time until they lose the titles. Obviously, it’s going to end before WWE leaves New Orleans, because I’m guessing the kid has travel plans – even if he’s a plant. And how long can you really drag this garbage out for?

The whole selection of the partner took me out of the match. I was set to be disappointed if Big Show was the partner – this is on a whole different level. Join me in 2021 when the Raw Tag Team Division is finally rehabilitated to a decent state.

Photo Source: WWE.com

Universal Championship Match

Brock Lesnar (c) (w/ Paul Heyman) vs. Roman Reigns

Result: Brock Lesnar defeated Roman Reigns via pinfall

Rating: 2.0 out of 5 stars

For the fourth consecutive year, Roman Reigns is in the final match at WrestleMania. He’s only the second man to do this, after the orangest man in the business Hulk Hogan (WrestleMania V-VIII, and no, IX doesn’t count).

After the BS with the tag title match, this was honestly the perfect match to send people home with. Problem was, it was laid out like absolute garbage. These guys don’t belong in a 20 minute classic – they need a 10 minute brawl that’s nothing but pure aggression. Brock needs to just do suplexes, Reigns needs to stick to his bread and butter, and everyone will go home happy.

Of course, a crowd who’s been in the building for nearly eight hours is going to be a little antsy. Hence the awful CM Punk chants early on in this one. And hence the nearly deafening silence during the vast majority of the match. I mean, Reigns hit a pair of spears – enough to pin BRAUN STROWMAN – and Lesnar kicked out, and the crowd didn’t make a peep.

Even worse, Lesnar hit an F5 – and Reigns kicked out to no response. Two more F5s, two more kickouts – nothing. The only thing the crowd paid attention to was the beach balls being passed around the crowd, which is disgusting. The F5 has been the most protected move in professional wrestling for YEARS – Reigns kicks out of half a dozen, including one through an announce table, and the crowd couldn’t care less.

Hearing “This is awful” chants tells me one thing – they just didn’t even want to give this match a chance. It was never going to be a 5-star classic. Hell, it wasn’t going to be the best match on this card. But Roman getting busted open, working his butt off, and getting thrown around the ringside area at least deserved a chance.

Yes, the match was pretty bad. But the “This is awful” chanting started way earlier than would have been warranted from the in-ring action. I’ve been seeing people on Twitter saying it was the worst main event in WrestleMania history, so clearly those people haven’t seen WrestleMania XI. But trying to get something out of Lesnar when he’s clearly not interested because the crowd is going to dump all over it regardless is impossible.

By the time Lesnar won, the crowd popped a little. WELL, IF YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION INSTEAD OF PLAYING WITH BEACH BALLS, IT MIGHT HAVE HAD EVEN MORE IMPACT. The match may even have been better overall to you! Hate Reigns all you want, but don’t torpedo a gosh dang WrestleMania main event because your feelings are hurt at not being catered to.

Next: NXT TakeOver: New Orleans Review

The main event clearly wasn’t up to the same level as the first encounter between Reigns and Lesnar at WrestleMania 31, but it wasn’t the worst thing on the card, no matter what the live crowd may think. It was bad, no doubt, but the tag title match immediately preceding it was a bigger slap in the face. At very least, this main event gives a big reason to tune into Raw tomorrow night to see where things go from here.

With the marathon of WWE WrestleMania 34 over and done with, what did you think of the show this year?