Monday Night RAW – 1/18/10

Last night, there wasn’t just one guest host, there was two.  It was Don Johnson of Miami Vice and Nash Bridges fame, and Jon Heder aka Napoleon Dynamite!  Here’s how the show went:

Video Package: Short introduction about the life of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Vince McMahon is introduced and comes to the ring.  “Life is about decisions, good or bad, they’re all tough!  I made a decision to bring back Bret Hart, kick him in the guts and then decided to NEVER bring him back again.”  He then comes up with an analogy comparing Bret Hart’s career to that of chewing gum that’s lost it’s flavor, then blames the fans for forcing his hand in the decision.

• Interrupted by The Undertaker who comes to the ring and confronts a flustered Mr. McMahon.  Taker tells McMahon, “There aren’t many left, but I was there 12 years ago in Montreal… YOU screwed Bret Hart, twice!  Now, you’re terrified of the consequences… that was the act of a coward.”
• McMahon decides to leave in a hurry.
• Taker then turns his attention to Shawn Michaels‘ challenge for Wrestlemania and wants to deliver his answer personally.
• Shawn comes out to the ring.  Taker looks him square in the eye, “I’ve got nothing to prove to you… my answer is NO!  However, if you’re convinced that you can beat me, I’ll give you the opportunity tonight.”
• HBK responds no, then comes to the realization that he’s got to win the Royal Rumble and when he does he makes it clear that he will challenge Taker.  The Dead Man responds, “winning the rumble will be your only chance at salvation.”  HBK replies, “Your streak, your title, and your soul will be mine.”

Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne
WINNER: Sheamus via pin fall after hitting the Razor’s Edge

• Shortly after the opening bell, Randy Orton came to the ring to watch the match up.
• After the match, Orton climbs into the ring and stares down Sheamus who grabs his belt and holds it up for all to see.

Backstage: Shawn Michaels and Triple H are talking and Trips says there’s something he needs to tell HBK, but they’re interrupted by one of the guest hosts, Don Johnson, who’s looking for the other guest host, Jon Heder, who’s running late.

• Trips and HBK eventually leave, and Johnson sees someone dressed as Napoleon Dynamite and thinks it’s Heder, but it turns out to be Carlito.

Jack Swagger comes out to the ring to reissue the All American American Over the Top Rope challenge to Santino Marella.

• Santino comes out dressed like Don Johnson’s character from Miami Vice and says he cannot accept the challenge, but has found a suitable replacement.
• Mark Henry comes out and gorilla press slams Swagger over the top rope.

Backstage: Limo pulls up to the arena and out walk Jon Heder and The Bella Twins.

Guest Hosts, Heder and Johnson, walk to the ring.  Johnson announces that DX will be in the main event tonight, but Heder says that we need something new.  He brings out his friend, The Miz.

• Miz progresses to compliment then disrespect Don Johnson and then segway into dissing MVP.
• MVP comes out to the ring and says, “I’m officially in the Royal Rumble, and if I only do one thing on that day, I’m throwing you out!  Why wait?!?”
• MVP charges towards the ring when Big Show‘s music hits and he and Miz double team MVP.  Jon Heder makes the announcement that DX will face Show and Miz in the main event.

John Cena & Kofi Kingston vs. Legacy (Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase)
WINNERS: Cena/Kingston via pin fall after Cena hit Rhodes with an Attitude Adjustment and Kofi followed up with a big cross body off the top rope.

Backstage: Heder is talking with Miz and Big Show when their conversation is interrupted by Hornswoggle who has to use a ladder to get into camera view.  Hornswoggle grunts out some things and points behind Heder to Triple H who walked in the room.  Trips says, “he just challenged you to a match.”

• Heder looks perplexed, and then Trips has a brilliant idea.  He suggests that the main event be changed to a 6-man tag, DX and Hornswoggle against Miz, Show, and Heder.

Gail Kim & Eve Torres vs. Maryse & Alicia Fox
WINNERS: Gail Kim & Eve Torres via submission after Eve landed a Flying Arm Bar off the top rope on Alicia Fox

Video Package: Stone Cold Steve Austin is guest starring on NBC’s Chuck soon.

Backstage: Jon Heder is having a panic attack and Miz & Show tell him not to worry because they’ll do the heavy lifting for him.  They also bring to him a “Nature Boy” looking robe with the name, “The Flame” on the back.

Backstage: Mr. McMahon is talking with Triple H and Vince is pissed about what Taker said.  Trips asks him, “What’s with your family?  You McMahon’s always have to have the last word… perception is reality right?  Well, if you bring Bret back, you make him a bigger star.  If you don’t, people perceive you as a coward.”  McMahon slinks away.

• Shawn Michaels enters and Trips tries to tell him what he wanted to say earlier, but Hornswoggle walks in and they leave to get ready for their match.

Randy Orton vs. Chris Masters with Eve Torres
WINNER: Randy Orton via pin fall after hitting an RKO out of nowhere

• Shortly after the opening bell, Sheamus came down to the ring for a better look.
• After the match, Sheamus jumped in the ring and hit Orton with a pump kick.

Big Show, The Miz & Jon Heder vs. DX & Hornswoggle
WINNERS: DX & Hornswoggle via pin fall after Hornswoggle hit a Tadpole Splash

• After match, Trips finally gets to address HBK and tells him, “You’re going to have to find a different way to get your match with The Undertaker.
• John Cena comes out and interrupts to make an announcement… that he’s in the Royal Rumble!
• Big Show gets up off the floor and says, they’re all in trouble because he’s also in the Rumble.
• Melee ensues, Show and Cena are thrown over the top by DX.  Then Trips throws Shawn over the top to the floor and outright says, “I’m in the Rumble too!”

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Too much talking this episode, DAMMIT!!!  5 matches total, and there was maybe 25-30 minutes of wrestling in 2 hours+ of programming!  I hate this crap!  I swear!!!  Plus I had to deal with Jon Heder thinking he’s a wrestler now.  What’s this like the 7th guest host who decided to get in the ring?!?  This guest host garbage needs to stop!  The only two contests that actually resembled an actual wrestling match on this show were Cena/Kingston vs. Legacy, and the Women’s tag match!  Every thing else was rushed to holy hell!  It’s nights like this that I seriously think about taking a break from WWE RAW.  Sometimes it’s just too painful for an old school wrestling fan like me to watch Vince slap everyone in the face week after week… At least I have this blog to be able to vent my frustrations!  Thank you to those of you that read my postings and deal with my rants!