WWE Tough Enough: Jokingly Predicting Future Spoilers

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Season Finale (Men) – Whose Music Is That!?!

The judges have all gone into full-on apathy about ZZ winning. It’s just a formality now. The Full Sail Crowd has even started booing ZZ. And for the seventh straight week, ZZ looks like he just peed himself.

But what does the entire WWE Universe think?

Tanner 24%
ZZ 76%

Silence. Crickets. But the judges give the cursory congratulations. The coaches come out to present ZZ with a customized WWE Championship belt with the leather replaced by alligator skin. And just as ZZ is about to touch it…

That’s Hulk Hogan’s music! The Full Sail arena goes bonkers! The judges are floored as Hulk struts out and points to each sector of the crowd. It’s not Curtis Axel, it is Hulkamania Incarnate! But Hogan pauses, then turns back to the entrance ramp to welcome a mystery guest. It’s Patrick! Patrick Clark has returned! Bah gawd!

Patrick kicks ZZ in the Chipotle belly. ZZ goes down, but staggers to his knees, only for Patrick to deliver a Curbstomp! Renee Young runs up to Patrick to get an explanation. And what Patrick delivers is 3:16 gold:

“You talk about having a heart, talk about making people laugh. Well, ZZ, you’re a joke! Sara, you’re a joke! In fact, this whole show’s a joke! Even Keith Apicary could have given this show more credibility! I am now the newest WWE superstar not because of this show, but in spite of this show! [Applause Break with a few ‘CM Clark chants.] So I’m here to do what Big E can’t do, what Bobby Lashley couldn’t do and what The Rock only half did, and that is to be your first black WWE World Heavyweight Champion!”

Patrick holds up a fist invoking Malcolm X. Pandemonium has never reigned down on Full Sail like this, at least not since Sami Zayn won the NXT Championship.

The biggest swerve and happy ending possible and just as Patrick poses from the turnbuckles…

Chris Jericho: “What is that? Egyptian music?”

Bah gawd! It’s Mada, in full pharaoh attire. The crowd pops pretty big for his entrance, but nothing close to Patrick. He looks mean and intense as he marches down to the ring.

Mada takes off his Egyptian headdress and immediately clocks Patrick with it as he goes out like a light. Mada stands over Patrick with one foot on his chest as he is holding up his staff. He gets huge heat from the crowd.

Vince is a genius.

A feud is born. A show is rescued. A new brand has been created. Welcome to TFNF (Tough Enough).

Comedian Evan Wecksell is a touring comedian who has appearing on VH1, Conan and America’s Got Talent. Follow him @evanwecksell and like is WWE-sanctioned child Beckett Sage.

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