Predicting WWE’s Next Four Suspensions

Superstars: Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, Bo Dallas
Violation: Excessive Hair Moisture
Length of Punishment: Until hair dries.

Tweak Stewie’s plea from “So much doody” to “so much wetness.”

For Reigns, Rollins, Ambrose and Dallas, when their music hits and, one-by-one, they emerge we know that humidity is about to pick up. Each wrestler is energized, each wrestler is drenched in moisture. Not sure what the rational is for looking like you just took a shower in your clothes, unless they all saw the shower scene in Weird Science. Or maybe they really like Super Soakers. Regardless, all this dripping hair is a potential safety hazard.

If janitors can put out “Caution: Wet Floor” signs while they’re mopping the hallways, why can’t event staff put out “Caution: Wet Superstar” signs. When you’re a publicly traded company, you don’t want your employees walking backstage knowing they can slip or pull a hamstring while trying to maintain their balance. This is the stuff of senior citizens who fear a sneaker left out on the living room carpet. It just hiding there (out in the open), primed to ambush the innocent.

Of course, if WWE would want to do an about-face and support these Four Aquamen, they can combine their moist locks and erect a pretty sweet Slip ‘N Slide.

Next: 2 of 4: No Buns Allowed