Predicting WWE’s Next Four Suspensions

Superstars: Michael Cole, JBL, Byron Saxton
Violation: Calling the Damn Match
Length of Punishment: Three-hours of RAW

There’s a movement brewing. It started one year ago (not really) when Vince McMahon kept ordering Michael Cole to mention the price of the WWE Network for $9.99 (unverified). At that time Cole was an overweight man on the wrong side of 40 who was nothing more than a relay point for Production’s edicts. Cole knew a change was coming and he was that change. So no matter how many times Superstars would sit in on commentary or how many times the Bellas would get catty at the announce table, Michael Cole knew there was action going in the ring. JBL hinted at it. Byron Saxton waited for two seconds of silence to cash in on it. But it never made it to the viewer.

So I’m assuming (incorrectly) that Michael Cole purchased Triple H’s Power Series, went into a full Rocky IV training montage culminating in yelling “VINCE” at the top of the Adirondacks and decided, “that’s it you internet smarks, I’ll show you how to call a match.” (again, all fictional)

What followed was not just Cole shedding body fat, but also including crisp play-by-play. We got a taste during the Beast in the East special and at subsequent pay-per-views. Maybe now when people turn on Raw, in solidarity, Cole, JBL and Saxton will toss aside the notebooks, rip up the advertising copy, stare at the monitors and call the damn match. Who knows, Cole may even call what we’re watching “wrestling.”

Next: 4 of 4: Ze Plane! Ze Plane!