Predicting the Kurt Angle Scandal on WWE Raw


The WWE will soon go full soap opera with a dramatic reveal involving RAW General Manager Kurt Angle.

Kurt Angle was sweating. A lot. Kurt Angle normally sweats a lot because he’s completely bald just like me and I know from experience that us bald men tend to sweat through our heads more so than men with skull sweaters. But this wasn’t your normal “I smell bacon” kind of sweat. Angle was staring intently at the cellular telephone of Corey Graves, who had abruptly left the announcer’s table after receiving some disturbing news via said cellular telephone. It was May 29th, 2017; the day all the lies began to crumble.

"“Look, I don’t know what it is about me, but people tell me things. And I just wanted to give you a heads up about the information that I have.” – Corey Graves"

How or why Corey Graves has suddenly become the Columbo of the WWE remains unclear. Last month, he stepped in the middle of the Enzo and Cass mystery to reveal that he was in possession of evidence which proved Cass had faked his own injuries and was likely the culprit behind the attacks on Enzo. This led to an emotional admission by Big Cass and an even more emotional reaction from Enzo, who shed a single thug tear before being kicked in his face. Graves on the other hand, avoided a kick to the face and resumed his duties as a mild-mannered announcer, but the ongoing Angle scandal loomed large.

"“I don’t know. I can’t let this get out. Then again, I might have to go public with this. Oh god, I’m going to lose my family over this. I hope they support me. My career could be destroyed.” – Kurt Angle"

What can’t get out? How could Angle lose his family? Has he created some kind of horrible man/robot hybrid wrestler that is in danger of escaping and kidnapping his family out of revenge? I can’t see how that would destroy Angle’s career since such an abomination against nature would likely do very well against someone like Braun Strowman so it must be something else. Something darker. Every week since that fateful May 29th episode we have seen Angle obsessing over his phone until this past Monday night when he spoke to an unknown person (or man/robot hybrid) about appearing on the July 17th edition of RAW:

"“Why don’t you come here next week and we’ll both do it together. Neither one of us has anything to be ashamed of. I’m proud of you. And I hope you feel the same way about me.” – Kurt Angle"

Ok, he’s definitely talking to his man/robot hybrid creation, right?

In the interest of fairness, let’s assume for a moment that my mecha wrestler theory is completely preposterous, even though it’s not and would be totally awesome. Some of the assumptions floating around involve either Angle fathering an illegitimate child he has been hiding or lying about winning his 1996 Olympic gold medals with a broken neck. The neck theory doesn’t seem plausible since it’s a verifiable part of Angle’s real-life career that can be confirmed in less than 60 seconds using the power of the internet.

"“So why don’t you come here next week and we’ll tell the whole world together? And whatever happens, happens. I love you.” – Kurt Angle"

Related Story: WWE: Privacy in the Age of Social Media

The more likely scenario not only involves a secret love child but also involves Stephanie McMahon. My guess is that she knows Angle’s secret and will use this leverage to make her triumphant return to television as she has been absent from RAW since being formally escorted through a table at WrestleMania 33. This storyline may eventually lead to the long-rumored Angle vs. Triple H match at WrestleMania 34 but we will need much more exposition before that happens. The biggest problem with the love child angle (see what I did there) is that no one on the roster is young enough to realistically be his progeny. Then again, logic isn’t necessary on a show where men are flipping over ambulances, so your guess is as good as mine until Monday night.