WWE Raw: Results, Highlights, Analysis, and Grades for March 5

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Goldust vs. John Cena

Result: John Cena defeated Goldust via pinfall

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

According to the Walk With Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time ever that Goldust and John Cena have had a match. And based on how the match unfolded, I think it will also be the last time they face each other. This was bad with a capital B.

Right up until the Five Moves of Doom, it almost looked like this was an unplanned match that was being called on the fly. It reminded me of matches on the independent circuit – not because of the moves being utilized, or the way the crowd was engaged. I’m talking the kind where a guy has two different matches for two different promotions, so he arrives to the second show just as his match is about to hit. Then he and his opponent just wing it in front of the audience.

Sometimes it works well, sometimes it doesn’t. But the flow of this one seemed a little off, and some of the sequences were just odd. John Cena going for a sleeperhold? What the heck?

But then, there were the Five Moves of Doom, and Cena wins cleanly. I mean, you didn’t think Goldie actually had a chance tonight, did you?

Swaying to the Symphony…

Elias wants to bail on the Symphony of Destruction match, which is the first time since his pre-El Vagabundo NXT days that I’ve hated him. I NEED THIS SYMPHONY OF DESTRUCTION MATCH, SAMSON.

Kurt Angle agrees with me, and I can’t wait to see Braun pick up a bassoon and use it like a toothpick.

Hillbilly Jim to WWE Hall of Fame

Look, I’m not going to argue that Hillbilly Jim shouldn’t be entering the Hall of Fame. But I will say it looks like Koko B. Ware and Hacksaw Jim Duggan aren’t necessarily the “worst” members of the institution.