WWE Raw: Results, Highlights, Analysis, and Grades for March 19

Roman Reigns is read his rights. (Photo Source: WWE.com via Twitter)

Welcome to the Fireworks Factory

Right off the bat, Kurt Angle “confirms” that:

1. Roman Reigns is still suspended and won’t be at Raw, and;
2. Brock Lesnar “hasn’t arrived yet” but is on his way.

Clearly, “Stone Cold Big Dog” Roman Austin is the tactic we’re taking, because before Kurt reaches the period in his sentence, out comes Reigns through the crowd. It’s a nice touch that he’s not really in his ring gear – and pretty damn funny that he’s wearing a tank top with slacks. Gym casual?

And you know what? As silly as it might seem to the smarkiest part of the WWE Universe, it’s actually working. Tell me you didn’t hear more cheers at the end of Roman’s tirade than he got at the beginning.

In typical Stone Cold fashion, Reigns refuses to leave until he gets what he wants, so Angle narcs him out and brings out security. Oh, sorry, US Marshalls. I don’t know what I liked more – Texas indie standout Ricky Starks getting some WWE time, or the other dude pulling a Channing Tatum and not being able to memorize the Miranda rights. It’s 2018, hasn’t everyone watched enough TV to know the words?

After Reigns is handcuffed, he clearly dispatches the marshalls, which brings Brock Lesnar to the ring straight from his limo. Reigns attempted to fight Lesnar off with a chair while still handcuffed, but it’s futile. Lesnar smokes him with a couple of suplexes and wallops him with the chair before delivering an F5. The look in Lesnar’s eyes said, “I wish this was 2003 and I could hit him in the skull with this chair.”

But again – Lesnar was booed quite vocally at the end of his tirade. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but WWE may actually be getting this story right. A lot of people have told me that they find Reigns’s promos to be too derivative of the Rock-Cena rivalry from WrestleManias 28-29. These same people tell me that Reigns doesn’t have the vocal chops to pull off those kinds of promos. To that, I say Tommy Wiseau doesn’t have the acting chops to do anything, but I’ve seen The Room. Sometimes talent  isn’t everything, it’s the total context.

I could have done without Lesnar coming out after Reigns was on the stretcher. It was just a bit too much, you know? But the point here is that you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, spit into the wind, pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don’t mess around with Bork.

And to the jerks who tried a “You deserve it” chant at Roman after the beating, just, no.