WWE Raw: Results, Highlights, Analysis, and Grades for April 2

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I Don’t Have a Match at WrestleMania, So See Me in Blockers! In Theaters April 6!

John Cena, at present, is the dirt worst. He’s the guy who has spent his whole life on top, loses out on a promotion, and whines about it to all his friends who have never gotten a promotion in the first place. “Oh, you don’t understand what it means to be in my spot, I don’t have any power…” “Dude, I make 12 bucks an hour flipping burgers, you have a car that costs more than my annual salary…” “OH, WOE IS ME!”

Cena tries to defy the people approaching his terrible situation with logic by shooting down that logic as illogical. Why doesn’t he enter the ATGMBR? I’D BE TAKING A SPOT AWAY FROM A FULL-TIME SUPERSTAR! Uh, John, there’s no set number of entrants, it’s literally whoever’s left over at the end of the day. PLUS THERE’S A SPOT OPEN, BECAUSE RUSEV IS OUT AND IN THE US TITLE MATCH.

He could be Braun’s partner, or insert himself into any number of matches, but nope – I don’t deserve it because I’ve lost a bunch of times in a row. Hey, he had lost that same number of times in a row minus one before he squeezed his way into the Fastlane match. Guess it wasn’t a problem then, though.

So after basically telling the entire WWE Universe that he had “fun time” with Nikki Bella this morning, Cena again says he’s going to Mania as a fan – unless the Undertaker answers him RIGHT HERE IN ATLANTA.

He doesn’t, Cena is sad and leaves. I’m glad that if WWE is insistent on doing Cena-Taker – even though Taker should stay retired – letting it build until literally the last possible moment is brilliant. Make everyone think he’s not showing up, and they’ll tune in to see if he actually shows up or not. At least that’s my way of thinking.

And if he stays retired and doesn’t show up at Mania, well, deal with the angry fallout later.