WWE WrestleMania 34: Results, Highlights, Analysis, and Grades

Photo Source: WWE.com

Undertaker vs. John Cena

Result: Undertaker defeated John Cena via pinfall

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

BEST. SEGMENT. EVER.

Like, how much happened here that was top notch? Cena makes his grand entrance, proclaiming, “HE’S HERE.” A referee comes to the ring for the match – the same ref who told Cena Taker was here. Then a second ref comes down to say, “haha, nope, that was just some cosplay guy, we were WAY off.” Cena leaves, lights go out, fans go nuts – and it’s ELIAS WITH HIS GUITAR. Magnifiqué!

I mean, this puts Elias on top of the list as the biggest jerk in all of WWE. Did he orchestrate the whole thing? Who knows? But he launches into his song as Cena heads back over the barricade to head to his seat. Honestly, the only thing that would have made this even better? If some seat crasher was squatting in John’s seat, spilling nacho cheese all over it.

Of course, Cena gets name dropped in the song, he jumps back into the ring, and whoops Elias like it was nothing. Big deal. He leaves, dejected, and the lights go out again, AND IT’S ON FOR REALLY REALS THIS TIME.

Taker’s gear from last year magically appears in the ring – lightning strikes, and it disappears. After the infamous GONG, the Dead Man rose from the depths of hell to make one last trip to the ring. And after what seems like a lifetime, Taker takes off the hat and it’s time for a match.

Not surprisingly, it’s ALL Taker. He moved a hell of a lot better than he has in recent years, but that could also be because this match was a fraction of the length of those others. A five minute squash match is a far cry from 25 minutes in a no holds barred against Roman Reigns, or a damn Hell in a Cell match against Shane McMahon. So let’s not get overly hyperbolic.

Major props to John Cena, who has convinced me to go see Blockers thanks to his impeccable acting during Taker’s appearance. I mean, dude sold it to perfection – the swallow in terror, the eyes, everything.