WWE Superstars as Marvel’s Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Superstars
By Bryan Heaton
Doctor Strange: Matt Hardy
Seriously? You didn’t see this one coming? Maybe it’s not totally perfect, but no one in WWE epitomizes “strange” more than the Woken Warrior.
Despite his strange ways of getting his point across, there isn’t a single person in the locker room who can claim to be wiser than Hardy. Existing through the entirety of history will do that for you. And Strange has studied the art of time manipulation with the Eye of Agamotto; surely Matt Hardy is a master of manipulating time if he’s having this kind of success this late in his career.
(Plus, this makes Bray Wyatt match up with Wong, Strange’s man servant, and that concept is hilarious to me.)
Thor: Cesaro
Thor is the God of Thunder, who can control lightning with enough concentration. Plus, he’s a funny dude who never hesitates to crack wise, even when he’s fighting for his life.
Cesaro doesn’t shoot lightning or anything like that, but he swings opponents around with the same ease as which Thor swung Mjolnir before it was destroyed. And though Cesaro doesn’t always get as much time to speak as Thor, it’s clear he possesses the same kind of joking nature.
Another parallel? Thor lost an eye in combat, while Cesaro lost a few teeth after hitting the ring post hard last summer. IT ALL FITS.
Loki: Finn Balor
“But wait, Finn Balor isn’t a villain, and Loki is the baddest of the bad guys there was! He’s what brought the Avengers together in the first place!” I can hear you, dear readers. But this is more for attitude than anything else. Loki is the God of Mischief — he plays jokes and tricks on people. How often does Balor troll the WWE Universe through social media? Same idea, even if one is to get people talking and the other is to enslave the human race.
Plus, it’s all about the charisma. The reason Loki was in the position to do all the bad things he did because of his smooth-talking and charm. Finn Balor is probably the most charming person in WWE. He could turn heel in a heartbeat without changing a thing, same as Loki.
Hulk: Braun Strowman
What does Hulk do? Smash.
What does Braun do? Uh, smash?
Hulk is the only Avenger who would do something like flip over an ambulance with an enemy inside, so this is the most apt match. And I guess Brains Strowman would be Bruce Banner in this case, too.
Nick Fury: Vince McMahon
Nick Fury put together the Avengers, despite being told the project was being shut down. Of course, this all ends up going to hell when Sokovia falls out of the sky, people die, and the government gets involved, making half the Avengers fugitives from justice. Fury faked his death and went into hiding, but really faced limited consequences.
Who is responsible for pretty much every decision in WWE? For better or worse? Vince McMahon. He built everything from the ground up, competition be damned. And when things went to hell, and half of his wrestlers either died or were accused of steroid use, Vince still got off almost scot-free.