Slammiversary 2018: A Review Based Only on GIFs

This cutting-edge recap only takes into account the GIFs that made it onto Twitter from Impact Wrestling’s Slammiversary 2018.

For the rest of the folks watching Slammiversary 2018 stateside, it’s Sunday night. But, at the time of this writing, it’s Monday afternoon in Tokyo. For those who have never been, do yourself a favor and get out here. This country is great. This piece isn’t a tourism ad for Japan, but if the country needs me to do that, I can make it happen.

The only access I have to Impact’s anniversary show is GIFs that get posted on Twitter. So I figured, it’s 2018 if I’m watching the show via Graphics Interchange Format, I might as well review the show the same way! As far as I’m aware, this write-up is the first of it’s kind.

So while it is a historic night for the company’s new showrunners, it’s a landmark afternoon for wrestling journalism here in Tokyo. Let’s do this.

Flips Happen

As close to a World X Cup match as you can get. Seriously. USA, Canada, Mexico, and Japan were all represented in this hot opener. Fenix and Johnny Impact combine trapeze and parkour to create an Olympic-caliber floor routine.

This is the seems like the kind of match that would keep Rip Rogers up at night. So many spots, so little time.

You know things were crazy when a Starship pain feels like an underwhelming finish.

Tessa Blanchard shined in her Slammiversary debut

Why doesn’t Allie call her Death Valley Driver, the Death Allie Driver? COME ON! Speaking of death, is Allie good? TERRIFYING BUMP!

You can’t be mad that she doesn’t take the DDT straight on her melon because my heart can only take so many head spikes!

How did Tommy Dreamer lose?

I’ve never met Tommy Dreamer, but he’s like a father figure to me. I don’t take pleasure in watching him take big bumps. Nothing pops me quite like foreign objects getting thrown.

Also, that trash can took the worst of the bump. Hope it’s ok. Straight up exploded. So far so good for my fantasy-booked father. Nothing too crazy. But man, am I glad he’s not taking any staples.

I don’t even know if you can use an ECW Championship as a weapon. I mean he did obviously, but legally speaking I don’t know Y’all.

Keep it up, dad!

WAIT HOW DID EDDIE EDWARDS WIN? HE GOT DESTROYED IN ALL THOSE GIFS. I refuse to accept this torch passing.

Brian Cage is X-Division AF

Hey look, Cage can do flips too. He can throw people around. And don’t forget, one time he popped a councilman’s head in Lucha Underground. Don’t mess with this Machine.

I hate the caption for this GIF because why would anyone want their opponent to gain momentum?

This will never, not be a great spot. Drill claw? More like THRILL CLAW! Am I right? Ok, fine. I’ll see myself out.

Sure, this last one is impressive, and all – but would have loved for Cage to defy physics and catch Sydal out of a shooting star into a Weapon X. It’s all good. Happy for my boy, Brian.

Su Yung murdered Madison Rayne

Seriously. They killed off her character. She doesn’t exist anymore. RIP. See you in the Mae Young Classic. Leave the memories alone.

The OGz don’t even care that they lost

As much as I’m disappointed King isn’t in this match, I love a good misdirect.

If you don’t think Hernandez is a good wrestler, shut up. You’re wrong.

There’s not much that I can say to describe this other than wow. Talk about making Hernandez regret ripping his shirt.

Remember that iconic line where Jim Ross says, “how can you learn to fall off a 20-foot ladder?” Well, how can you learn to get border tossed through a table? I really dig that the OGz took the L and still disrespected their opponents and the tag titles. That’s as OG as it gets.

Pentagon Jr broke bones and ate some chair shots

Ouch.

Even more ouch.

Ok, guys, this is getting out of hand.

Guys, please stop.

How is this the tamest part of the match?

Penta might be temporarily blinded, but come on ref, he could still hear you if you said “wait, Pentagon, it’s me the ref, please don’t break my arm. I have a family!” Even if he doesn’t have a family, this is a situation where it’s alright to lie!

OH GREAT!

At this point, why not?

One more arm for good measure. But I mean at this point, it’s only fair if the referee breaks Penta’s arm.

Everyone exhale, Pentagon’s mask is safe. Sami Callihan’s “hair” is shaved. All was well.

Not Wrestling

Not a gif – but Impact running Bound For Glory in New York. First ROH/NJPW, now Impact? WWE can’t ironically be called New York anymore. Fair play.

Welcome back, Curtis Granderson? What? When was he here before? Man, this company has a very bizarre past.

Aries retained, but Moose wins our hearts

Hey Austin, it’s the Slammiversary main event!  Could you at least pretend to care? I know it’s not a King of the Mountain Match but the stakes are still high.

See! This is what happens when you don’t take things seriously! Moose kips up, because it’s evident he wants it more than you. Where’s your kip up, huh, champ?

Imagine if you were sitting in the fourth row at a wrestling show and an actual moose fell on you? Would you be mad? I don’t think I’d be that upset, honestly.

Where is the flag!? That’s a blatant helmet-to-helmet! Get it? Moose used to play football.

This combo puts The Undertaker’s to shame. Man, Moose is really making a fan out of me based on these gifs and these gifs alone.

If I had a dollar for every Death Valley Driver I saw tonight, I’d have four dollars. They should rename this show Death by Death Valley Driver.

These guys are giving audience participation a whole new meaning. This is like church, only instead of singing songs and praying prayers, 200lb men are falling from the sky.

How do you not love this dude? He wants the championship so bad he’s willing to jump straight onto a catwalk for it. I mean, it is Slammiversary 2018 after all. Go big or go home. Even if that means, no one’s home.

Next: Impact Shows it's For Real With Stellar Slammiversary 2018

Boo, Aries retains. Wait, no DeAngelo Williams involvement? I want a refund! It seems like everyone else really enjoyed Slammiversary 2018. Guess I have to give it a full watch when I get back home.