WWE: The tale of how Aleister Black and Rey Mysterio cheated death

During the WWE Money in the Bank ladder matches, King Corbin threw both Rey Mysterio and Aleister Black off of the roof of Titan Tower. I have it on good authority they survived their respective harrowing falls. Here’s how it went down.

Well, that was some kind of “Climbing the Corporate Ladder” WWE match we witnessed, huh?

All antics aside, the biggest talking point from the match might not even be that the proverbial fan favorites heading into the match won in Asuka and Otis. It’s probably the fact that King Corbin committed double homicide by throwing Rey Mysterio and Aleister Black off of the roof and wasn’t arrested, charged, and booked…

…but that’s because Mysterio and Black aren’t dead. They’re very much alive!

Let me guess: you’re asking how this is even possible in the highly realistic world of professional wrestling?

Let’s begin with Mysterio, Corbin’s first apparent victim. As any wrestler and fan knows, being a masked luchador imbues one with certain powers. My sources (completely real and not imaginary at all) tell me each mask leaves a remnant of itself within the mask wearer, presenting itself in times of life-threatening danger (like when Naruto first summoned Gamabunta).

Considering he’s donned attire for the likes of Batman, Wolverine, The Joker, The Riddler, Captain America, the aptly-named Mysterio, and Silver Surfer (among others), it’s safe to say he can draw forth these powers when necessary. When is a more necessary time than when you’re plunging hundreds of feet to your death?

Take your pick: he pulled out the Grapple Gun like Batman and hooked himself to safety; splatted on the ground but has adamantium for bones so didn’t really feel a thing; or, my pick, rode the Silver Surfer’s board to safety all the way across the country in San Diego. Either way, never count out a masked luchador.

Black is a similar but different story. Named in honor of famed British occultist Aleister Crowley, we know Black himself is fond of the occult, dark arts, and other associated things. As such, Black’s survival story is easier to tell than Mysterio’s.

(Side note, the manga/anime D.Gray Man has a very interesting and cool reinterpretation of Crowley in their universe.)

With Black’s affinity for the dark arts, my sources tell me he vanished into a black hole of nothingness that appeared after he was heard yelling out what may have been an incantation; they couldn’t understand his words, but are certain he wasn’t speaking Dutch or any other European language.

The black hole disappeared after Black was swallowed.

No expert on the occult myself, my research indicates it is probable he was transported, safely, to his anchor point (most likely his home). An abyssal portal like the one Black used must have some kind of destination, and home is where the heart is, right?

However, I’ve also read that there needs to be an offering in repayment, so don’t be surprised to see Black go on a rampage and take out multiple people over the course of the next few weeks with the Black Mass (now do you know why it’s called that?!).

Don’t be surprised when they show up on RAW unscathed and fully functional. After all, one has superpowers and the other can channel the dark arts. If anyone can survive, it’s those two. Just don’t ask them to reveal their secrets, or we may never hear from you again.

NOTE: This has been an entirely satirical exercise that hopefully made you laugh at best and shake your head at worst.