WWE’s 25 New Year’s Resolutions for 2016
Always looking to get better, WWE puts a pen to paper and reveals their new year’s resolutions for 2016.
A new year means a chance to not only look back on the year that was but also to set goals for next twelve months. That, of course, means new year’s resolutions. While individuals may list going to the gym, spending more your family or not starting that second pint of ice cream while watching The Bachelorette, companies set goals as well. So with the new year commencing, we look at what WWE’s new years resolutions are for 2016.
1) We will make Roman Reigns look strong, Not fairy tale strong, not tater tot strong. Like one-man massacre strong. Spear everyone, spare no one. (His next t-shirt, you’re welcome.)
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2) We will make RAW so watchable that three hours will feel like two hours.
3) No more love triangles, quadrangles or use of the phrase, “go all the way.” We’ll just Instagram two people entering a hotel room together.
4) No more blending two countries into one unless it ends the strife. So MexAmerica? Never happened. Pakist-anistan? Possible.
5) Whenever a faction whose average age is over 40 faces a faction whose average age is under 40, the former must always job to the latter.
6) Assuming he body slams Gawker and leg drops Bubba “The Love Sponge,” we will slowly incorporate Hulk Hogan back into our website and video packages.
7) **URGENT** Every episode of Raw will end with Stephanie McMahon beating the hell out of Tom Phillips.
8) If it means his getting the okay from five other doctors that are not ours, we will clear Daniel Bryan for the Royal Rumble.
9) We will decide whether Charlotte, Nikki Bella, Brie Bella and Mark Henry are faces or heels.
10) If the RAW ratings continue to slip, we promise to change it to “The Kevin Owens Show.”
11) London: You have your PPV. Now start singing songs from fifteen years ago!
12) We’ll let The New Day, for one week only, put the unicorn horns over their junk.
13) R-Truth will not only forget whether he’s booked in the right match, he’ll also forget what TV show he’s on. So next Monday, he’ll think he’s guest starring on Colony.
14) We will throw Adam Rose a life preserver.
15) We will only call up Finn Balor when we are ready to push him to the moon.
16) We promise not two, but FIVE new seasons of Total Divas in 2016!
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17) We’ll give Ziggler a smidge more attention, but just a smidge.
18) No more “exclusives” with TMZ. From now on, we will tip off Coach, Bill Simmons or Daily DDT.
19) If we are going to give the local sports team first-row seats to Raw, then they, at least, owe us one bump. Slapping does not count.
20) Old School Raw will feature Vince and Jesse Ventura on commentary for all three hours (which can be two hours plus an old 80s episode of Superstars).
21) We are bringing back superstars with animal valets!
22) Someone from The Shield will embrace the dark side.
23) Sheamus and Becky Lynch will try to out-accent each other.
24) The Hype Broz will hype their way to the Tag Team Titles!
25) 50/50 booking? More like 70/30 in 2016.
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What’s your favorite New Year’s Resolution? Or have your own? Add it in the comments!