WWE Raw: Results, Highlights, and Grades for July 2, 2018

Photo Source: WWE.com via Twitter

Kevin Owens vs. Braun Strowman

Result: Braun Strowman defeated Kevin Owens via count out

Rating: 0.5 out of 5 stars

The time for deep breathing is over. No more bribery with Shania Twain tickets. All that was left was to step into the ring and fight it out.

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Instead, Owens took one toss and ran like hell to the parking lot. So much for “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.”

Now, for a main event match, this was hot garbage. There was no match, so it would have been a pretty lackluster way for WWE Raw to have ended. In fact, the only good match this week was tarnished by a lousy ending and trying to fit too much into the match.

Thankfully (or horrifyingly, depending on your point of view), the match was not the end of this week’s episode. Instead, we got to witness the thrill of the chase, the joy of the hunt, and the agony of defeat all at once. I present the following with no analysis and relatively few jokes — I am dead serious here.

See, if you were paying attention when KO arrived at the arena, you might have noticed he parked next to a port-a-potty. So when he got to his rental car and realized he didn’t have his keys, he needed a hiding place. And he picked the crappiest one — LITERALLY.

Braun, meanwhile, is the smartest Wile E. Coyote that ever existed. Somehow, he literally smelled KO’s fear and found him in the john. He even hid his voice when he knocked on the door, because Owens is still in that post-Shania Twain concert glow and didn’t see it coming.
Then Braun used four pieces of duct tape to seal the toilet closed and dragged it to the arena — where it almost didn’t fit in the door, because why measure something like that before the show starts?

In the arena, Braun pushed the loo off the stage, earning a chant of “Holy S**T” that has never been more appropriate. Owens writhed on the floor in pain while looking like Tobias Fünke after he blue himself, and Braun laughed because PUNY HUMAN HURTING.

Next: Braun Strowman vs. Kevin Owens is One Fun WWE Feud

Like I said, I got nothing for this, folks. Draw your own conclusions about this segment, and the episode of WWE Raw in general. Besides Dr. Shelby’s return (the return, not what he did) and Reigns/Rollins vs. Dolph/Drew, the episode was a dumpster fire. It was a turd that needed to be flushed away, but Braun broke the toilet.