WWE: The Lies We Tell Ourselves

With just over a month until WWE WrestleMania 33, the rumor mill will be grinding out numerous possible scenarios, but are any of them realistic?

Every year, the IWC manages to convince itself that “this is the year” that thing is going to happen that they’ve said was going to happen in WWE (but never does). By our very nature, professional wrestling fans are delusional creatures. The idea of watching this violent soap opera for several hours each week requires not a small amount of insanity and yet we return again and again to watch grown men and women pretend to fight each other for our amusement. And we enjoy every second of it, even when we pretend we don’t.

Reckless speculation, when done in good fun, is good but sometimes our dream scenarios exceed the reality behind the very real business of pro wrestling. When viewed objectively, our fantasy storylines make little sense and serve only to satisfy our craving for nostalgia. I was recently asked via Twitter if I think the Hardy Boyz will make a return at WrestleMania 33. I resisted the temptation to point out how completely insane and ludicrous this notion was, in part because I understand where that desire comes from. I miss the Attitude Era too, but our heroes of yesteryear aren’t going to come back when they have moved on to unique and lucrative ventures of their own.

Probably the most egregious lie we tell ourselves every year is that for unknown reasons, CM Punk will return and create a memorable moment at the most important show of the year. Despite The Rock’s recent shenanigans involving Punk on RAW, this lie assumes the WWE needs Punk or vice versa yet neither is true. Our own Dean “Paul” Siemon listed “5 Reasons CM Punk Will Never Return to the WWE” and while I would hesitate to use the term “never” I can comfortably say his triumphant return at WrestleMania 33 (or any other show this year) is so unlikely that your odds of winning the Powerball jackpot are significantly higher.

A recent article in Forbes claims that based on Vince McMahon’s history of forgive and forget with stars like Ultimate Warrior and Bret Hart, a Punk reunion isn’t that far-fetched and may even be necessary. While I agree in principle that we should “never say never” when it comes to professional wrestling, we cannot ignore the facts. For now at least, the WWE Universe – specifically fans in the city of Chicago – need to accept that there is nothing the WWE can offer Punk that he either doesn’t already have or cannot get elsewhere.

Must Read: WrestleMania 33 Card Projections 7.0; Post-Elimination Chamber

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With a career spanning more than three decades, WrestleMania season is the perfect time to resurrect the idea that the Undertaker will announce his retirement. This yearly exercise in futility is less about accuracy and more about inevitability. Mark Calloway is 51 years old and sooner rather than later, he will hang up his boots and take his place in the WWE Hall of Fame. Many of us were convinced it was going to happen at WrestleMania 32 because it was in Arlington, TX, just a few hours away from Calloway’s residence in Austin and his birthplace of Houston. An extremely handsome and intelligent man who happens to share my name speculated last year that WrestleMania 32 would be Undertaker’s last, but tempered his prediction with sound logic:

"“The simple fact is that Undertaker has no legitimate reason to retire. He only makes a handful of appearances each year (with even fewer of those being actual in-ring competition) and yet he is still one of the highest paid superstars in the WWE.”"

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My favorite lie we tell ourselves is that in an unprecedented move, John Cena will turn heel, a moment that would overshadow the heel turn of Hulk Hogan and the subsequent birth of the New World Order. While I agree in theory that a Cena heel turn would send shockwaves throughout the WWE, in order to accept this premise, we need to imagine that Cena is somehow not as popular of a draw as he once was and therefore such a character shift is required. This notion is not only laughable but completely devoid of common sense. John Cena is the biggest star in the company and has been for at least the last decade. His character’s popularity extends far beyond the boundaries of the squared circle. The WWE is not going to jeopardize his global image for what would amount to a relatively short-term ratings boost.

Next: SmackDown Review, February 21

Nothing can stop the speculation train but we need to keep our hopes and dreams in context. Instead of wishing for our favorite fantasy scenario to play out why not enjoy the stories currently unfolding? JeriKO has disbanded, AJ Styles still needs his rematch against Cena, and James Ellsworth is slowly transforming into an actual Ed Hardy t-shirt. Perhaps the IWC should enjoy these events that are actually happening instead of wasting time dreaming up their own.